My blog is back.

I've decided I need to come back to my blog.  It's my open diary and I need to write. 

Jeff and I are beginning a new chapter in our life with one of our children.  Today, Cloee was unofficially diagnosed with Autism.  We are in the process of making an appointment with a developmental pediatrician, which of right now is next to impossible!  The one we were referred to is not taking new patients right now and is booked through February 2014.  So our Pediatrician is working on getting OT initiated for her. 

I also called the PPCD program to begin that process.  I am waiting on the diagnostician to call and set up the evaluation appointment.  If they find that she needs help, we will have a second appointment to set up an educational plan for her.  And then she will begin that program.  She is developmentally delayed and speech delayed so I'm fairly certain she will begin PPCD once the testing is complete.

I decided to come back to my blog because there may be another mom out there doubting her gut reactions.  I am here to say, "please don't."  You know your child better than anyone.  If something seems different, start documenting.  I sat down one day and wrote out 2 pages without thinking.

My anxiety levels have hit an all time high when taking Cloee out in public.  Not knowing if something would set her off or when it would set her off.  My mother finally saw one of her epic meltdowns (as I like to call them) in the car going home from my brother's wedding.  Once started, it lasted about 45 minutes, in the car.  Yes I did have to pull over and yes I had to get out of the van so I could breathe.

Along with the validation I feel, is the overwhelming feeling of heartbreak for my sweet girl.  I feel anger, a lot right now.  I'm not equipped for this, I'm scared for us, I'm scared for Cloee.  I don't know anything about Autism.  I feel like my whole life right now is spent educating myself on how to better parent each of my special needs children. 

I feel like I'm not a good enough parent to handle these challenges, why was I chosen to raise these beautiful children who need so much that I don't know about??  I'm reeling and I'm rambling. 

I've studied today.  Autism has to do with brain development-our Cloee had an extremely rough start in life, probably plays a huge part in it with some genetics mixed in. 

Would you please be in prayer for my sweet girl?  And for us as a family?