Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I understand GRIEF-We have a mutual respect for each other. He doesn't linger longer than necessary and I don't ignore him. It works. But this other thing, this nemesis of mine - GUILT - well, he doesn't respect me and I am losing respect for him. He is making me angry all over again. WHY CAN'T I GET RID OF YOU!!! Every single time I feel an inkling of joy or happiness, he comes in and throws his cloak of darkness on me. I hate him. He's so heavy, so burdensome. He sucks the oxygen out of my day, the joy out of my day. Sometimes when I'm laughing with my children and then they leave-the guilt insinuates itself into my head. The smile is washed away, he wags his finger at me as if, "how dare you laugh, your baby died." Is my GRIEF not sufficient, must I also live with GUILT?
I so desperately want to find joy in the adoption coming, in the daughter God has picked out to come home-must I feel GUILT for this? I HATE it! Each day I get up, and I pray and I choose to be happy and go forward. Each day GUILT taints me with its evil charms.
I know God will provide me with the strength to conquer my nemesis. I pray for this all of the time. I am not the same person I was prior to September 30th. I want to be better. Please God restore me, make me whole. I WILL find joy. He will provide for me. GUILT will NOT linger with me much longer. I will not allow it, but most of all my Saviour will not allow it!