The day our world tilted on its axis. We have another daughter who is in Heaven now. Cassie Jamila. She died one year ago today. She died from Malaria in an orphanage in Democratic Republic of Congo. She was a very sick little girl. I never got to hold her other than in my heart. I wasn't with her when she died and I did not get to say good-bye to her at her burial. It's a thing that continually comes to mind. A regret I continually give to God, but take back from Him because I don't know how to let Him keep it. I know "she's in a better place" and all of the other platitudes you hear but it didn't always make me feel better. I miss this child of mine who was meant only to be in my heart and not in my arms.
This past year has taught me many things. That you can grieve and find joy in life at the same time. I remember holding Cloee for the first time and it was surreal - bittersweet. I was so happy to have her in my arms and then, too, I ached for my sweet Cassie, who I would never hold while on this earth. I experienced a complete dependence on my Lord and Savior-my Father. I could NOT do this, I knew that. I knew it when I cried on the phone with Jilma, our attorney. I knew I would not survive this unless I gave everything of me to my God. And I did. Completely. There were no "whys", no "please bring her backs", and no anger towards my Heavenly Father. My anger was toward the government, the system, the lack of medical care, the lack of funds, etc. I gave God my grief and He is the only reason I survived the death of baby Cassie. I cried and cried and cried some more. He dried my tears each time and I know He cried with me. I found my strength through Him unlike any other time in my life. I reached out to Him and gave Him everything and He answered and I survived.
Cassie's death and the arrival of Cloee are too much for my earthly understanding, if that makes sense. Without Cassie's death, there would be no Cloee Solberg. I can't imagine there not being a Cloee in our lives. When these thoughts occur, these are the ones that must go directly to God - immediately, because there is no understanding. God has taught me about joy. The joy of life. It doesn't stop and we just do the best that we can. Thankfully we have the option of choosing God and having His help and it can be better than expected.
It's been a hard and difficult year. God has also blessed me so much this year. Cloee coming home, quitting my job to be a stay-at-home mom, a husband that supports me in all my endeavors. He continued to bless me in the midst of my grieving. Today I thank God for His blessings and that includes Cassie Jamila. I love you baby girl and I will hold you when God says it's time.