Now that I am back and in a routine-ha, it's time to take a look at my life and reflect on the fact that I'm just plain 'ole fat. What happened to me? I used to be a runner, then I hurt my foot, and I got fat. I ran the Houston half-marathon in 2004 and the Houston Marathon in 2005. Yes, you read that right. I ran for 26.2 miles. Now I'm about 60lbs heavier than I was then. 60 extra pounds on my short self is not an attractive picture thus the reason I don't "do" pictures.
So I'm starting another journey to a healthier me. I'm praying I stick with it. This next Tuesday will be my first weigh-in. Honestly it's very hard for me to stay motivated. I have hypothyroidism and the older I get the harder it is to control it, making it super easy to gain weight. Not an excuse, just a fact I need to learn to deal with.
My background involves an eating disorder that started when I was 12 years old. It's hard for me to focus so intently on doing "good" because when I mess up, the old thoughts start sliding through my mind. I struggled with Bulimia through Junior high, high school and college. I weighed 117 lbs at 5'4" in high school and thought I was so fat. All because I wasn't in a size 1 jeans. I have always felt fat. When I got married at 30, I weighed 124 lbs. I was embarrassed. I've gone through my life hating myself off and on because of a number on a scale. I won't go into the psychology of it, but of course there was a lot of emotional stuff going on. To this day, the number on the scale can dictate my feelings for the day. It's sad and I'm tired. I have reached the "fat" state that I dreaded all my life. I give up very easily because it takes me so long to lose 5-10 lbs then to gain 6 lbs in one week. It depresses me to no end.
But, it's time to change (and I still have that negative emotion in my head saying, "yeah right"). I haven't decided if I'm going to put a picture up yet. I have some really great fat pictures from when I was in Congo I might use.
last night, Jenna was looking at our wedding picture on the mantle and she asked my when I got so big. It made me laugh, really. And I asked (stupid me) what do you mean? and she replied, when did you get oversized and stretched her hands way out. She did not like when I fell out laughing. Leave it to the kids for making it real. So join me, pray for me, whatever as I try to regain my health yet again. I will weigh in weekly on Tuesdays since I started this past Tuesday. Not sure how I will do pictures. Weekly (not much change), every 2 weeks, or once a month. I am incorporating exercise as well. This week I have exercised 4 days so far. I started the couck to 5-k program over again since I do love to run. And yesterday I worked out to my Biggest Loser dvd with Bob. I would like to lose around 60 lbs maybe more. I want to be healthy, not skinny. I would like to feel better and get back into my running. That's my goal. I don't have a jean size I would prefer. I want to feel good about myself. I want to live to see my children grow up. I want to run a half marathon again.