Grief for me is a stalker. He lurks around me everywhere I go... waiting. Waiting for me to say, "okay, time for a visit." Things go much better when we can visit like this. When I don't try to ignore him, when I give him the respect he deserves. It's the times when I look over my shoulder and he's there and I don't really have time to visit that he lies in wait-for my defenses to go down, my guard to go down. He will make himself known to me, with or without my permission. My defenses go down at that point at night when you're drifting off to sleep, hopefully to peaceful dreams. But such is not the case for me, GRIEF grabs me and shakes me and I jump up, one foot on the floor, heart racing, hair damp with sweat, pajamas too. I look over at Jeff-sleeping soundly. What woke me up? I listen for the children, look at the video monitor-all is well. But something is urging me to run, to run hard and fast-it's a primitive urge, almost like I need to shed my skin, I must run! What am I running from? I sit and I think again trying to calm my racing heart, what am I running from? And it comes to me, and I suck in my breath and fall back on my pillow as the hot tears pour down the sides of my face and drench my hair. I can hardly catch my breath, I sob quietly because I have realized that I am trying to run from....me. To not be me at that moment is to not have the reality of my baby girl's death. It is a long night. Jeff's calm breathing is soothing for me and I match mine to his and I am calmed. GRIEF and I have spent a lot of time together and I feel we are developing a better relationship now. He knows I am working through his stages and I know God is faithful. I know Cassie is looking at the face of Jesus now-how wondrous. We are stronger because of our Lord and Savior.
I had a wonderful Sunday School lesson to teach Sunday. Will God provide in times of turmoil? (Do you think that was a God-thing?) I got to close my class with how God had remained faithful and provided for Elijah, and the widow and her son, and how He would remain faithful and provide for the Solberg's. It was wonderful to share with my girls about Cassie and to let them pray over her. They shared tears with me and many hugs-it was an awesome day the Lord made.
Jilma called me the next morning after she had shared the news of Cassie's death to check on us-she is so wonderful, I truly can't describe how she has helped us through this. I told her that although we needed time to grieve Cassie, we felt very strongly about moving forward with another adoption. This tragedy was not going to stop us because there are so many children who need homes and we love children. She was going to let Pastor Loma know. I say this because some may feel this might stop us and we say absolutely not. We were blessed to have Cassie in our lives albeit a million miles away for a short time but she will always be in our hearts. We also believe God has yet another child for us and so we have to continue-our hearts would allow nothing else.