It's actually Monday night and I thought I would try to pull out some of my thoughts on my way to getting healthy. I'm nervous about weigh in, I'm already thinking about it. It consumes me honestly. Every time I open my mouth to eat I feel like I'm failing. This is not right. I KNOW this, I KNOW THIS. And yet I am overwhelmed at the thought of failing...again.
I pray. I even pray for another friend every morning who is determined to get healthy also. But Satan sneaks in, he knows where I'm weak and he attacks. I don't give a 100% because I'm going to fail- over and over and over. This is how I grew up. If I don't give it everything I have, then I have the excuse that I could've tried harder. Rather than admit my failure, right? This has held true in a lot of aspects of my life.
I believe I'm addicted to food. I love to cook, bake and try new things but somewhere I lost my ability to stop. Or did I just never have the right mechanism because of the eating disorder. Did I binge and purge so much through my life that I cannot tell when to stop? This is not a new thought, but food addicts can't get away from their "drug". It's difficult. And when the craving of a food begins, it is all powerful-when did that happen? When you can picture it and taste it, nothing will stop a food addict from getting their "fix". I love carbs....white flour products (I learned this in college in counseling, trying to figure it out once and for all).
It should be easy, right? Just stay away from carbs. Once you get them out of your diet, which yes I have done, then you won't crave them. True. But look at me now. It didn't last. So cutting it all out doesn't help.
Weight Watchers is teaching me about portion control and better choices, yes, but it's helping me find a healthy balance between that which I crave and that which I should be eating. It's teaching me to find things that will satisfy the craving and satisfy the balance I need to keep. Make sense?
I should blog about my feelings over this more often, I feel better now. The anxiety has lessened. I want to have a loss this week. This is the weigh in that usually makes me or breaks me....well, and next week's as well.
BUT, I am sticking to my exercise of at least 4 days a week. I feel very good for accomplishing this. My running time is increasing. (I'm doing the couch to 5k app on my phone). My foot still hurts, but nothing beats the feeling of accomplishment when I finish. AND who doesn't like plugging in the activity points in the Weight Watchers site, am I right?
So, hmph, I do feel better. I think I'll go eat my dinner of 7 points and have a treat and call it good.
Tuesday morning: Weigh In day:
1.5 lbs lost.
6.5 lbs total
Happy for the loss but ughhhhhh, seriously? Only 1.5 lbs?? This makes my goal of 10 lbs by next week almost impossible. But I'm going to focus on the positive-it was a loss. I am down 6.5 lbs. And I've been exercising regularly since starting this journey. AND losing one more pound will put me in a new set of numbers! It's been a long time since I've done that!